The Love Talk-Part 2


Part 2-Fire and Desire

I love candles. I think that they smell good, they bring a wonderful aesthetic to a room, all of the love above. You light a candle, and your house is perfect, if even for a moment. But eventually, after numerous times of lighting and using, candles go out. The fire doesn’t catch anymore, and no matter how many times you burn yourself trying to catch the flame, it just doesn’t work. That’s a lot like relationships sometimes, isn’t it? At the start, the fire is hot, and enticing, and passionate. Then over time, it stops. It just happens. Call it human nature. So what happens then? Good question. I think we as people have something about us that leads relationships to change and evolve. As we adapt as people, our needs change. Wants change. Feelings change. Things that maybe, in the beginning, weren’t important enough to speak on are now conversation points. Change. It is a scary thing to many, but it doesn’t have to be. But in order to not let it overcome you, it is important to face it.

Through these conversations, I find it especially important to be as general as possible, because the reality is that every person has a different story. In that respect for all who may read and engage in this talk with me.

I guess my take on this topic is this…You never really know 100% what you are getting involved in when you start something with someone. And truly that’s ok. No matter how hard you try to understand every part of them prior to developing feelings, there is no way to truly be able to. So when faced with things that maybe you don’t love, or even things that weren't there before, it is important to ask yourself the question of why. Why am I in this relationship? Why don’t I like these specific things? Why do I feel unfulfilled? Depending on the answer(s), you are faced with 2 options. stay in the relationship, or leave. Period. It seems that in our culture it is hard to make the latter of the choices, even if it is the right thing for you personally. I know that if you ask the average person, especially those in Christian circles, they would say that there is never a time to leave. They quote things like “Christ loves us unconditionally, so we should love unconditionally.” While that is truth, Jesus loves unconditionally, loving someone does not always equate to staying with someone. Forgiving someone does not mean staying in that space with them. With that in mind, there is another thing that I would say, and that is that is it not a bad thing to leave a relationship if you aren’t happy. There is a stigma that comes with breaking off a relationship on any level, and I believe it to be unfair. While I do think it is important to try to make things work if possible, if in that attempt you are losing yourself in the process, then get out. To me, it shouldn’t matter if you are dating, engaged, or married, the most important person in that relationship, that you are responsible for, is yourself. Not your significant. What may not be seen as the “right” choice, may in all actuality be the “healthy” option. If you are feeling that they are not meeting your needs, then by all means get out of it. With that, there must be an understanding of the risk that you are taking because if you end up changing your mind, you cannot just assume that they will come back to you. To assume that is unfair and disrespectful to the person that you are with. But no, I don’t think it is wrong to leave if your needs aren’t being met, whatever that may be. Those needs could be emotional, physical, even spiritual. While it is not necessary to have someone who is your exact match, it is important that you share certain things. Take for example if someone is a goal setter who works hard to realize their dreams. Someone who thinks that educational excellence is important. Someone who sees the importance to be frugal and financially responsible. If the person that they are with does not share in those beliefs, then why would it make sense to be with them. If the other person doesn’t see those as important not only in your life, but in theirs, who would want to be with them. Love is a wonderful thing. But just falling for the emotional, fuzzy stuff is not enough. I am sorry if you disagree, but love is not enough. There has to be more to it. Emotions aren’t sustainable. Emotions change. Emotions are inconsistent. Commonality is important. Once again, it does not imply that you are exactly the same, it does, however, imply that you have the capacity to become one. Commonality is just as important as anything else, and if I were in a relationship with someone with whom I had nothing in common with, even if it’s after it started, I would leave. I think it important to be true to oneself first and foremost before anything else. That’s the way that you can give of yourself to someone. If you don’t know who you are, then how would you give that to someone else? What would you be giving to them?

So I am not entirely sure what happens to make people lose their fire in a relationship. I don’t think anyone really does. What I do know is if the fire is diminishing, and you want to be with the person, it is important to find ways to engage that flame again. Maybe it’s going back to where you had a first date. Maybe it is doing something that you both love that is out of the normal routine. Maybe it’s trying something new that neither of you have ever done before. Or maybe it’s just riding it out in the relationship until it comes back. That’s the thing about relationships. They come in waves. If it’s worth it, then you ride it out. Silence is not always an indication that something is wrong. Maybe it’s just the wave that you and your significant are on. Whatever it is, and whatever decisions you are making, friends, make for sure that it is something that you want to do, not something that you feel like you have to do. Forced love isn’t love at all, it’s a waste. A waste of time and energy. So don’t waste your time. Know when the fire can be lit, and when maybe it’s time to stop try to relight something that has gone out forever. Yea, it’s depressing to think about it that way, but it’s true. Know your flame.

B.A. Scott