Happy New Year!!! I hope that this year is full of new adventures, lesson, and experiences. I don't have a list of resolutions, I am just hoping to better myself each day!
This month marks 3 years at my current apartment, and I was thinking about what that meant for me. I remember when I moved here, I was in such an interesting place. I was scared, angry, ashamed, frustrated. So many different emotions. In all honesty, I was running. I found myself in a situation where I assumed I needed to leave my current living space. I didn’t want to face what was right in front of me. So I left. I didn’t tell anyone, I just left. I did the entire move in 4 days. I would work in the morning, and when I got off work, I would take little things to the house. When I initially moved, I had a TV, a bed, 2 dressers. No living furniture. No towels. No cutlery. Nothing. I spent the first month eating out every night because I had nothing to eat on. I watched DVDs, and slept on the floor. I couldn’t sleep for the first few weeks because I was in a strange place. I played it like I was super excited when all the while I was hurting. I was so hurt. I made my strides over the year and tried to make it work. I made my fair share of mistakes there, but I was making it.
I love the idea of living alone. I lived with other people once in my life, and it was the most miserable time I had in life. No one ever wanted to pay for anything, and by the end of it, I ended up paying for more than anyone, which I hated. There was relationship drama all the time, like for example, there were 3 of us, and there was so much drama in that house. The one kid I lived with had a girlfriend, who had a thing for the other guy I lived with, and who I had secretly slept with prior. It was like the real world house. I couldn’t do it. My own mistakes? Sure. But it still wasn’t for me. I had to live on my own. There is a beauty to living alone. There is an element of privacy that is so wonderful. I am in charge of cleaning, paying for, and keeping up with my own house. I like it. Wait, no…I love it. I’ve also learned the responsibility of living alone as well. I haven’t done everything right. I have kept company in the privacy of my home that most likely shouldn’t have been there. I have gone places where I should not have been due to the fact that I can come and go as I please. It’s maturity. It comes with time. In the time that I have been on my own, I have learned what that means for me, and where I can and cannot go. I know my triggers, I know my thoughts, and when those lead me to do sketchy things, I stop myself. I didn’t when I first was on my own. It’s not that funny, but my stupidity is comical to me now. I was broken and hurting, and so I hurt others along the way. I wish I could go back and apologize for the stupid stuff I did years ago, but those conversations do more harm than good many times. But isn’t that what life is about? Lessons.
So as I look forward to the next couple of years, I am in a better place. I was going to move here soon, but it defeats the purpose. I am at the point in my life where the next time I move, I don’t plan to be alone in that move. So until then, I can just hang out at my place. I have furniture now, along with pots, pans, spoons, forks, towels, 3 different soaps, and a host of other things that make my house my home. Along with those material things, I have love in my house. This house is a constant reminder of the worst season of my life when I first embarked on this journey, and also a reminder of what time will heal. I dig it. The reality is that when I stopped running from my mistakes and faced my life, things got better. When I stopped caring so much about what people are saying and listen to the voice on the inside of me. I was unsure and unaware when I first ventured out on January 1, 2015. Now on January 4, 2018, I am fully self-aware and have been for quite a while. We good over here.
I make house rules that I hang in my house as reminders to myself and any guest that comes inside. My rules for 2018 are going to be something about being respectful, and spreading love, and cleaning up after yourself. I just hope I follow them myself. Here’s to 1420, you’ve been good to me.