Mouth Vomit #4374583

The last time that I thought I was in love, it was an odd time. Weird timing, not someone I would have seen coming, all of that. The last time that I thought I was in love, I was scared. So scared. I was so scared and nervous that I wrote about it. The back story is for another post, another day, just know that the piece came from a real place. I had been in my feels for a while, with no idea what to do about it, and so I wrote this down on a napkin. On this exact day, September 7, in what seems like a lifetime ago, I penned what you will read below. What's written here went from my heart to paper, but I never had the chance to truly articulate this. As crazy as it sounds, I was lost for words in person. Due to this lack of words, what I wanted back then never materialized. 

The purpose of this post is a lesson: tell the person you love that you love them, before it's too late. You might lose what it is that you wanted all along because of it.

I moved on, and chalked it up as a lesson learned, but not everyone is that fortunate. Do yourself a favor, and don't have to make that choice. Your heart doesn't deserve it.

"Mouth Vomit #4374583"

by B.A. Scott

September 7, 20xx

It goes like this....

I am pretty sure I am in love, but I have no clue what to do about it. 
This isn’t anything like the type of love that I have felt before, in fact this is a first, since I didn’t see it coming. 

Who are you? Where did you come from? How did our souls meet? 
With everything that you know about me, why are you still here, wont you leave?

We all have a type; you are nothing like it.

Typically it's 5 feet to 5’8”, my complexion, maybe lighter
Classic TV, RnB, if necessary, be a fighter

But this is nothing like that.

Skin like porcelain, spirit so soft
Indie rock, Netflix TV shows, I'm talking boring shit, like "Stranger Things" and "Undercover Boss" 

What the hell? That’s literally what I say to myself every time that I think about you.

I wish that I could tell you what I’m feeling, but I am deathly scared to jump in
If I leap off this ledge, and nothing is there to catch me, I'm not so sure that I will swim.

Drowning is not something I am looking forward to.

If I ever get the gall, I would walk up you and say this:

“I have no idea what I’m saying, or why I am here. In fact, I don’t know much about love. I know the wrong way to do it, and I know what it means to try and do everything right, and still have your heart broken. I have used and been used, and there are not many pieces left to this broken soul. In spite of all of that, I see you. You are the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and it makes me happy. I pray for you when you don’t know it. I am fighting for whatever it is that God has for you. I have no idea what this means, but I have to say it. I can’t say that I love you, because the word alone scares me frozen. What I can tell you is this…I don’t know how to love right now, but I want you to teach me. I want to learn to love you, and even though I have already fallen, I hope that you will be there to pick me up. You understand me, and when I look into your eyes I see hope. Hope that maybe I am not defined by my past. Hope that I can be who I am called to be, and hope that maybe that my dreams can be a reality. That’s what I see in your eyes. If I am blinded by love, then this blindness has made everything clearer now that I see. When I see you, I see me.” 

How? God, I have no idea.

See here’s the thing…I have this issue with saying no. I can’t say no even if it kills me. My head and my heart don’t always see the same, and that puts me in situations where I feel trapped. Loving you means saying no to all else. As bad as I want to, I need help to know how. What is monogamy? Is that even still a thing these days? I've always held down relationships in twos; who I was with and a contingency plan. But I am over that. I have outgrown that. I want forever. With one. Two is only needed to give the deuce to everyone and everything else.

So I guess here’s the question…

Will you let me love you?
Will you take a chance on me?
Am I even worth it to you?
I don’t know the answer to this mystery

What I do know is that I love you
What I know is you’re the one
What I’m confident in is knowing that the shine that resonates from you
Warms me up like the sun

What I think is that we can work it out
What I know is that I’m scared
That maybe this might be forever
And that I’m all alone out here

So all I’m asking is that you give me a sign
Show me I haven’t lost all of my mind
That maybe forever is on your thoughts
And this is the right time

All I want is to see you, when I start everyday
All I want is to love you emotionally, spiritually, physically, every single way
I want our souls to become so intertwined that we can never break a part
And finally I want you, the only one that I trust to have the key to this broken heart

Though torn, it still beats
Though cold, it still tries
Although bruised, it still bleeds
Hard shell, soft inside

Here’s to you.
Here’s hoping that you see.
Here’s wanting that beautiful mystery.
Hoping you want the same in me.

Mouth Vomit


B.A. Scott