Lies by omission are still...

This has been a hard week. It has been draining. Physically exhausted, and spiritually drained for the most part. Pastoring is not as easy as it seems. My dad made it look easy. It is so much more than preaching and smiling. I am learning that in order to be a good pastor, you must be open and available to a plethora of things, good and not so much, all while maintaining what it is that you are called to do. It’s hard. As I am being pulled in a million different directions, I am learning what I am capable of, and what I am not. The things I may fall short at, the lord is showing me how to become stronger in, and with God’s help, I am leading these youth down the right path. In Jesus name.


That’s not what I am here to speak on today…


So I find myself at a familiar place, but a place that I don’t like to talk about often. I think the reason for that is because there is so much that I could say about it, and in speaking to it, I open up old wounds. However, I will tonight for the simple fact that it needs to be said.


I am re-evaluating friendships. I feel like the term “friend” is a word that is thrown around to describe something or someone that you share an experience with, and then the term is left at that. I am finding that friendship is so much deeper than that, and so in order to call someone “friend” or more importantly “best friend”, there must be something tangible with it. Thinking about that, I am starting to look at those around me, and see if they are what is required for a friend. To be honest, I am not sure that many are. It is one thing to say that you are friends with someone because of something that they did for you, or you did for them. Many times, in my personal life, it has been the latter. Something has happened, and a person has found themselves in a situation, and I was there to help. While I don’t mind being there for someone, that doesn’t make us friends. That makes me a human being. I would hope that as humans, if someone needs help, we would be there for them. I would hope that someone would do the same for me (which is a rare occurrence). I don’t do for others out of a need for anything, but I feel like people will do things for me for that reason. It is never out of humanity; it is to prove themselves to me. I hate that. I value my independence, and so when I allow someone to come along side to help, selfish motives are easily detected. What do I mean? Here is an example. I have this one “friend” who is a constant doer. Most of the conversations start with “do you need anything?” and when I reply no, I get the “are you sure?” I said no, so why are you still asking? Are you not listening? Clearly not. Recently, the majority of our conversations have become fights over dumb things, followed by silence, and then most likely I will get an apology not long after. Getting these apologies gives me the vibe that they are out of habit, and lack the sincerity of a true apology. I guess my thought process is if you are fighting about the same thing, either change the action, or don’t bother talking to me about it, because we don’t agree. People get into disagreements all the time. Move on. Why are we getting emotional people?? It makes no sense to me. Recently, we were talking about friendships, and they mentioned to me that they were going to support a “friend” of theirs (not mine), even though to do for this person meant sacrificing for something that they didn’t have to do. I thought it was stupid, and a waste of time, so I asked why they were going to do it. See, what you don’t know is the person that they wanted to support is a person that they spent months of time talking about negatively (and vice versa), the 2 of them fought over the affections of a third friend (who is selfish themselves to put them in that place), then magically one day, they were “friends” (sounds stupid, right?). How sway?? So as I was simply being devil’s advocate, trying to understand their thought process, the conversation escalated. It turned ugly fast, and turned into 2 days of having this same conversation. The basis for the arguing was this: if this person is someone you consider a friend, then why do your actions say otherwise (on both ends)? The answer I was given was that they were trying to become friends with this person, and so it would be the “right thing” to do. I laughed at that. It sounds stupid to me. Two people don’t like each other, but they decide to be friends, and to try and make it work? Ok, fine. So my next question was “what has the other person done to prove that they would like to try?” I mean if you are doing so much, then they must be sacrificing as well. I get no response. Cat must have her tongue. Silence. “Oh, they haven’t done anything.” Got it. Sounds fairly one-sided to me. But what do I know, I don’t have a lot of friends. I also don’t fake around people and make them think something is not what it is. So then I asked myself, well if this person would do something out of obligation to a stranger or barely more than that, what is the motivation for all the stuff they do for me? You call me a friend like you do them. “Well you’re different.” Am I? No I don’t think so. I think your motivation for doing so much is to prove yourself to people because deep down inside you want them to like you, and to be able to say what good of a person you are. That’s hella selfish. So if the motivation comes back to you, then you don’t need me. The person doesn’t matter. Find another pawn. Later on, I got a message apologizing (bs) and saying that maybe that should change. Maybe they should make their intentions clearer with people, and truly try and change. In the time that I have known this person, I cannot count you how many times I have heard this narrative. So it goes in one ear and out the other for me these days. However, I responded by saying don’t apologize, change. Do something for yourself, not the reaction. That’s where many find themselves, acting for the sake of the reaction. They aren’t true to themselves, and so there is always this cloudy mix of the real person, and what they put on. No one can trust that. I know me, I can’t. I can’t be close to someone I don’t trust.


Let’s talk about trust for a sec.


So the dictionary defines a lie as “not the truth”. Seems simple enough. Most think of lying in the sense of what someone says, but a lie can also be something unsaid. This is known as lying by omission. To me, that’s worse. It’s one thing when somebody tells a lie. That’s bad. Its another thing completely when someone initially omits important information to a story. I’ve always gotten the reply “I wasn’t sure how you would react.” HA. You do realize that telling the truth is far better than being caught in a lie. No matter how harsh the truth is, saying it is better in the long run. I remember being a kid, and getting in trouble in school. I would come home, and not say a word about it, and live as though life was normal. Then my parents would get a call from the school, and then they would be mad. My dad would always tell me that the punishment would have been less, or even not at all, had I just told the truth from the beginning. So I find myself with a “friend” who lies to me, and then when confronted, cries and apologizes. Nope. I have no sympathy for that. Not after it has happened multiple times, one of those times being one of the most important moments in my 29 years on this planet. Sorry, I can’t do it. If I can’t trust you with important things, then why are we friends again? Oh, cus we hang out, and share experiences. Got it. I can share experiences with people, and they not be my friends. It’s called enjoying life. It is possible to achieve.


So I find myself at a familiar place, right? The real question is what am I going to do differently. I am going to re-evaluate, and see where I stand with those who consider me a friend. I don’t do this because I think myself better than they, but it’s for me. As time continues on, hopefully I will be able to find “friends” who I can take quotes off of.


So to those who read this, and think its about you, don’t. Don’t stress yourself out with it. Just continue to move about life as you always do. The universe has a way of working itself out. I would encourage all who read this to do some evaluating of who you give your energy to. It’s for your health.


B.A. Scott