It will be different this time.
So it’s Thursday, which means I wanted to share something with you guys…
However, I don’t know what to talk about.
It’s not even writer’s block, I just haven’t had anything noteworthy to happen this week.
Work is work, the youth group is going well (I really think that the church is accepting of me more than I felt last week), my family is good, my sis is stressing about her wedding (which is to be understood), B is good, and so there isn’t really a lot to say.
I would venture to say that for the first time in a long while, I am happy?
Happiness is an odd thing for me. I feel as though it is something that has for most of my life avoided me. I have just gone through life, and searched for moments of happiness, and they haven’t been there. I never felt like I deserved it. I didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't for me. It was a tough pill to swallow, the though that I would never be happy, but it was something that I had learned to deal with. More than that, it was something I craved. Being miserable became a safe place for me, and so anytime that happiness was on the horizon, I would sabotage it. This has affected jobs, music, friendships, relationships, etc…You name it, and I have ruined it. Recently, life has slowed down for me, and in that time, I have found peace. I really enjoy it. It’s easy. There is not a lot of thought with it, and just living each day to the fullest is a fun challenge. I’m with it.
On the other side of this bliss is the fear that something will go wrong. I will do something, say something, anything will happen to end what little piece of normalcy I have. The last time I was close to this place, I intentionally committed self-sabotage on it. A time before that, the bottom of the world that I had built for myself fell out. So it’s only a matter of time. This cloud that worries me feels like it is always there, but maybe it isn’t. I don’t know. What I do know is that this time, I will make it my mission to be happy. I will do everything that I need to for my own happiness, and my own sanity. I will not be depressed. I will not self-medicate using alcohol and sex. I will not use people for my own selfish gains. When I fell the bottom starting to fall, I will seek out help for myself. Because this time I am taking control of it. I owe it to myself, and the ones who love me to make sure that I do. I owe it to a group of teens whom I pastor to do so. I will make sure that I am the man that I know that I can be, because any less would be a disservice to myself. Nope. It will not happen. I wont do it.
So that’s that. Short and sweet.
Come back next week, I will have a song for you :)