I’m never gonna let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me…
So Sam Smith drops an album tomorrow, and my favorite single so far is the song “Way Too Good at Goodbye”. I watched the video yesterday, and while I was watching, I started to write. Here is my story…
I will never forget the first time it happened. I was 18, and I was in a relationship. We were up and down, but we made it work. I was a college freshman, and I had the whole world in front of me. I stepped foot on campus, and immediately I was immersed in the college life. Parties, class, parties, church, parties, parties. Oh did I mention parties? It was such an adventure to be a part of. I called her up one day, and said, “this isn’t working for me, I think we should break up…” Simple, easy, without much of an explanation. We went our separate ways. Done. Pick up chapter 2, and it was also year 2, which included much of the same. I met this girl who I was attracted to, but who I assumed would never want anything to do with me. That was false, to my surprise. Everything was working out well. We fought a couple of times over dumb stuff, but she genuinely cared for me. We broke up. I said, “I think I need to focus on my relationship with God more…” She cried. I didn’t. Weeks later, I met the one, or at least what I thought was it for me. Then that didn't work out. 5 years, 11 months, 4 days since then. Yea, I still have it in my mind. I don’t think it will ever go away. Anyway, we broke up. She did it, which was new for me. It wasn’t a surprise by any stretch, but still I had always been the one to do the breaking. Even though she did it, she still cried, which I though was weird, because I didn’t. Not one drop. I kissed her goodbye, and went to the rehearsal I had for the show I had to play that weekend. These were just the ones that I will actually speak on (due to proximity, timing and sensitivity, omissions were made). These don’t include the countless “friends” that I would keep, only to sleep with them, and move on. I am an expert at the friend zone. Never wanting relationship, I would just bounce from one to the next, trying to fill a void that I couldn’t quite ever quench. That’s not the point of this discussion. I am working progress, and I am better than I used to be. Trust me. The point is, I have become an expert at breaking up. Life has allowed me to perfect the art of leaving so much so that I surprise myself. It’s nothing to me. I am cold in my speech, and I show no emotion. No tears, nothing. I wonder why that is, and I wonder how it became so easy. I can’t figure it out. Maybe it comes from the fact that I don’t believe in true love anymore. Maybe it is from the fact that I just don’t want it. Maybe I actually just want to be left alone, and when someone wants to get close I push them away. I have this checks and balance system in my mind that I never want to be out of balance, and so I act so that others never owe me anything, and I don’t owe them either. Once I feel like I have evened everything out, I can walk away without have to feel anything. It's odd. I see relationship as a transaction, and I will stay around if I feel like I owe someone something, until I no longer feel like that. It's not love at all. Whatever it may be, I have become an expert at it. I wish it weren't the case, but I am working to defeat that part of me.
I hate it when people use the God card to get themselves out of relationships that God was never in to begin with. We call things "God ordained" when the reality is that God never ordained anything. Just because you meet a man or woman at church, doesn’t mean that they have a relationship with God. People in our culture are so spiritual, but don’t have faith in Jesus. They say all the right words, participate in the rhetoric, but they have not had an encounter where a living Jesus has transformed their lives. They instead play church, trick you into loving them, use the right cliches, and then when they are done with using you, they say that God told them to leave. That is a lie from the pits of hell. That is a false doctrine, and of the enemy. All that to say, check for fruit when people talk about Jesus, and before you give your heart, mind, or body to them.
*Ok I am back*
Sam Smith and his writers came up with a beautiful love song about heartbreak, but what I like most is the perspective from which they came. It wasn’t the one being hurt, but the one doing the hurting. It wasn’t the one crying, but the one who caused the tears. It wasn’t the broken, but the breaker. Wow. I never have heard a song that made so much sense about heartache. While it is a process that hurts, it is important to see the perspective of others, not just what is popular. Everyone runs to the one who has their heartbroken, without many times asking the one who ends it what it took to get that place to make the decision that they did. It's because they don't care. People are so focused all the time on what they can see. You can see tears. You can see the hurt on someones face. All about what can be seen. Most times, that person has felt the hurt for themselves before ever getting to that place. I wonder how many people actually think about what it takes to get to a place to end a relationship? Especially if the person actually loved them. I will tell you, it’s hard. I have found myself in love before, and ending that was hard. The tears I cried for what could have been are hard. The aftermath of trying to find a new normal again is hard. The realization that love is not enough to save what I put my time into is hard. Feeling like not enough is hard.
Love is a hard thing. I know from experience on both sides of the spectrum how it feels. One side for me a little more than the other, but still both sides. I hope to eventually get to a day where I don’t have to worry about either, but it may never happen. That’s ok, too. I am ok with myself.