The List

I have been away for a little bit of time, but I am back…I hope that you still care.

 

First of all, let me update you on my life:

1.   I am about to finally finish this MA degree. So I have been working on this degree for a little less than a year, and I finally see the end. I have one more thesis course to take, and the degree will be conferred. I am super excited about this. Finishing this degree is a testament to how God has truly been over my life. I couldn’t have made it without him. I barely skated through undergrad, but I am graduating with honors. That’s crazy. I promise you, I will have a PENTACOSTAL FIT once this last piece is taken care of. Hopefully, I can get it approved quickly, and finally get a break.

2.   I am applying for one more degree. I have always stated my disdain for organized education. It has never really been my thing, and I have always wanted to change it, but I was never sure how. Well, I am applying for a doctorate degree in Education. With this degree, I can write curriculum, become a principal somewhere, become a leader in the field of education. Anything really. I know that there is a better way than the system that we are currently in, and I am on a quest to find it. I will just get another degree while I am at it. My goal is to start late Spring. We will see. Pray for me.

3.   I got another job. I was working at the Rue 21 store, and doing fine, but I longed for something more. I wanted to feel as though I was doing something for people, other than selling them clothes. So I did just that. I went back to my old stomping grounds, with a new excitement for being a part of something great. So that’s what I am doing.

 

Back to life, back to reality…

 

A couple of weeks ago, my sister got married, and I posted a vlog about why I wasn’t married. Being a 29-year-old adult, it is easy to assume that a person is jumping at the chance to become someone’s husband/wife. I don’t think it’s that simple. While being in love is a beautiful thing, more important than that is making sure that you are compatible with the person you are with. We all have a “list”, an internal checklist that we want in a spouse. I always said that I didn’t, but I do. I am going to share them today. This list may change, and evolve, but this is where I am at on October 25, 2017. You may agree, or you may think I am crazy. However you feel, please read everything in its entirety so that you understand fully where I am coming from. Thank you.

 

I am the product of a 2-parent home. My parents have been together since they were teens. They were married with 2 kids before the age of 25. These people have truly shown me what it means to make love work. There have been good days, and some not so good days, I have seen them both. More than that, I have them put the work in to make it work. With that in mind, I have a high regard for marriage. I am not planning to be married just because. The reasons that some get married are stupid to me, sometimes. People rush to the altar just to have sex, for financial gains, family pressure, etc. So before I get into my list of what I am looking for, let’s tackle this too. While some of my thoughts may land in deep waters with some, just read the post entirely before making a judgement.

 

1.   Sex. If you get married just to have sex, you are an idiot. Society, and specifically the church, makes sex very taboo. Children grow up to thinking that they have to be married to have sex, or they are going straight to hell if not. That’s false. While sex is something that you must be certain you are ready for, being ready doesn’t necessarily imply marriage. I know a statement like that puts me in hot water with a lot of people, but just hear me out. What happens is people get married to a person they like, not love, and then they engage in sex with them. Rarely do they have a conversation about physical compatibility with someone, or do they have a conversation about lust. Lust is so much more than sketchy magazines and masturbation. Lust by definition is simply a strong sexual desire, and there are ways to fall into this trap, whether married or single. Just become someone is married and having sex, does not mean they don’t struggle with lust. Lust can be this appetite that is hard to quench, and just because the person you are sleeping with is your husband/wife, doesn’t magically make it go away. I could go on about this subject, but for the sake of time, I wont. Just don’t be stupid, and marry someone because you want to sleep with them. You might not like sex with them, then what? You married now.

2.   Money. People a lot of times look at their finances, and say that if they are married, then these issues will go away. People assume that with 2 incomes, instead of one, that the financial difficulties that they struggle with will disappear. This is also FALSE. The amount that it takes for 2 people to live together comfortably is doubled versus living alone (simple math). How would it be that 2 people, who can’t support themselves, could support each other? It doesn’t work like that. That seems simple.

3.   Family pressure. This is not my testimony, but the testimony of friends that I have. Every holiday, every time you talk to your people, they always asking. I could see that becoming overwhelming, and then just finding someone to get them to shut the hell up. Understood? Yes. But still dumb.

 

So, the moment of truth. These isn’t any specific order of importance, just my thoughts. As I state previously, you ain’t gotta like it.

 

1.   Be a woman of God, and woman of integrity. I would never expect someone to be perfect. I am not perfect. Perfect is unattainable, however a relationship with God is important to me. I love God with everything inside of me, and I strive to live a life pleasing to him. I hope that I can find someone that I can grow with God with. I talk about God in every part of my life, and to some, that is off-putting. I would hope that the person that I pledge my life to shares my passion.

2.   Be my friend, not my fan. In my lifetime, I have come across many who used me for my gifts, and then when I was depleted, they would go away. That hurts. A lot. Even as an adult, I have found myself around those who just want me for something, use me, and then move on. That sucks. I want a friend that I can just be myself around, someone I trust. Trust is difficult to earn with me, and so finding someone who is truly a friend is important to me. Friendship is the basis for any successful relationship, and so I need a friend.

3.   Goals. I pride myself on the things that I have accomplished. I have been successful in work, education, music, art, just life in general. I would hope that I could find someone who shares that drive and passion for being great. Success doesn’t mean anything more than that you have a work ethic, and that you are working towards something. Its awkward to communicate about the goals that I am chasing, and for their response to be something as stupid as “you got it”. I hate that phrase so much. No, “we” got it. I want a help mate, not a cheerleader. I don’t need a crowd, and I need somebody who is going to help me. Don’t cheer me on, get your hands dirty as well. If I go up, we go up. If go down, we gonna get back up together. It’s a simple thing. I am not the QB, and you on the sideline. Get in the damn game. We have a generation of people who think that they are just ok with being just that. It’s not ok. Ask tough questions. Make suggestions, no matter how hard it is. DO SOMETHING.

4.   Be yourself. I realize that my personality is one that takes some getting used to. With that, I want to meet someone that is just themselves, and nothing else. I don’t need someone to be on my level socially, spiritually or anything else. I just want you to be. I will handle the rest. Just be.

 

The thing about writing a post such as this is that while I have a list of things that I want in a mate, I equally realize that I am not perfect. I am a working progress. I may not be where I am supposed to be in order to have a future with someone else. Maybe I am. I honestly don’t know the ins and outs of all of it. I recently found myself at a place where I thought I was falling into something, only to realize that I simply didn’t want it. Not wanting something is not always a bad thing, at least I don’t think, but more importantly than that, being honest with yourself about what and how you feel is the important piece. Being true to yourself puts you in a place where you can be true to someone else. So that’s that.

 

So Jesus, this part is just for you. From my heart to yours. While I am sure you already know, I like to believe that you read my blogs to.

 

Dear Jesus,

 

Here is the thing. I have messed up when it comes to love and relationships. I understand what it takes, and I fail at it miserably at times. I am selfish, and I think about me way to often. Help me to learn to love like you do. Help me to learn what love really means, and to be unconditional with the love that I share with those around me. God, I believe that in this world of 7 billion people, that there is one that I can do life with. I don’t know where she is, I don’t know if I have already met her, or if she is someone that I have yet to meet. Either way, prepare her for me. Do what it is that you need to do in order for her to be a perfect fit for my life. Prepare me for her, and give me the tools to make sure that I am all the man that she needs to be, and more. I want to be that man so bad. However, if for some reason I am to venture in this life alone, and if singleness is the life that you have for me, give me the grace to not be angry, and patience to learn how to maneuver through this life. Help me to continue to celebrate with those who have found their good thing, and help me to be mature when other singles complain about the place you have us in. Allow me to be the encourager. I love you Jesus.

 

-B, a single man just trying to find his way

 

Shalom.

B.A. Scott